In the weeks, months, or sometimes even years leading up to a ceremony, a very natural excitement starts to build. Your friends and family jump into the planning pool, cross-country plane tickets are purchased, and a Venn diagram of harm-reduction seating arrangements are made. The pressure of excitement is on to make sure that you and your partner’s special day is absolutely perfect. Beneath the surface of this excitement, however, a second pressure is growing. It’s the pressure of pre-wedding vow ambivalence.

“Is my partner the right one for me? I mean, of course I love him and all…”
“Am I ready for this? …Although I am getting up there. If not now, when?”
“Ok, forever, I get it. But now how long are we really talking about here?”
“What’s that rate of divorce again?”

This emotional pendulum of reasoning for and against marriage can be categorically overwhelming. And, right at the time everything is expected to be perfect!

So what to do?

The good news is that you’re not alone in your struggle. Many nearly-weds are afraid to speak of this pre-vow ambivalence.

But, why? Well, it seems that the shame or frustration of uncertainty regarding one of life’s biggest decisions keeps us from seeking the needed comfort of our elders or the advice of our confidants. We can be left feeling isolated and wanting to block the ambivalence out.

Don’t be afraid of your ambivalence.

Although ambivalence can be a state of intensely mixed feelings, at its core, it is a healthy, protective measure, a process of weighing the pros and cons of any given situation, in order to help us make more informed, quality decisions.

Why wouldn’t committing yourself to someone else for the rest of your life tap into this organic state? It’s always with us, whether we like it or not. It comes along with us to the office. It has an espresso as we dine with our friends. And yes, it may even join us in our most intimate of moments with our partner.

How we choose to relate with our ambivalence dictates our level of stress, our relationship with ourselves, how we approach the world.

Were We Trained This Way?
Unfortunately, it looks that way. Reality TV shows and a plethora of bride magazines constantly drive home the message that any ambivalence towards getting married is unacceptable. According to media, weddings are all about elation and certainty. Any natural concerns or fears we might have regarding this projected utopian experience, signal us backing out of our commitment or not truly loving our partner. It’s time for us to start acknowledging, respecting, and embracing our human complexity. Marriage is a big deal, filled with different textures of uncertainty. A shift in our perception that allows for the exploration of mixed feelings towards marriage, invites opportunities to be honest and to grow with our partner. Ambivalence exists within us, and it is ultimately our choice to deny or embrace it.

Denying Ambivalence
So let’s say, you’re planning the ceremony. You’re sitting on the floor of your living room with your friend, and a fan deck of colors in your lap. All of a sudden you can’t decide what color you want the reception table napkin rings to be. You absolutely freeze. Your chest tightens, your throat closes, and the sweat from your palm causes your to chin to slip. It truly feels as if the entire ceremony will be destroyed should you not figure out the right color for these damn rings.

Or, perhaps, you’re having an opposite experience. You’re in your living room, and you unequivocally know you want those napkin rings periwinkle. But periwinkle is out of stock. Instantly, you devolve into what reality TV has dubbed “Bridezilla”. You throw a massive tantrum, threatening to cancel the entire ceremony unless your future mother-in-law flies to Peru this weekend in order to restart the napkin ring assembly line.

Now, comedy aside, both of these situations can feel intensely painful and out of control. So, what’s happening here? What’s going on beneath the surface? Could this be denial of ambivalence at play? Could your indecision about these napkin rings be masking a deeper indecision about committing the rest of your life to this person you’ve chosen? Or, conversely, could your absolute certainty about the napkin rings be masking a deeper uncertainty about entering into a commitment that may or may not even last? –To someone you ultimately have no control over?

Attempting to suppress ambivalence (or any emotional state) is like playing a game of wack-a-mole. You can try to smack down the discomfort over here but, unless acknowledged and processed through, it’s bound to pop up over there in some other form.

5 STEPS TO EMBRACE YOUR PRE-WEDDING VOW AMBIVALENCE

1. Acknowledging and externalizing your ambivalence.
Get a notepad. Make quick mental notes when intensely mixed feelings about marriage arise throughout the day. Where am I? What task am I undertaking? Where am I feeling this in my body? Get it out of you. Don’t put too much thought into it, however or you’re liable to skip down the panic path. Then, say something kind to yourself like “Oh, there you are again, Mr. Ambivalence. Sure, you can hang out, but you’re just a feelings state”. By acknowledging and externalize your feelings, you can begin gaining control over them.

2. Think your thoughts through.
Schedule some alone time. Head to a comforting spot in the park or a quiet room in your home. Get your body calm and try avoiding interruptions. Take out your notepad and start fleshing out the earlier ambivalence. What was troubling you in that moment of ceremony planning? What may have been bothering you on a deeper level? Dig deep. Name the feelings that come up. Where are you feeling these feelings in your body?

3.  Learn to accept and sit with conflicting feelings.
Remind yourself that ambivalence at its core is a healthy protective measure. We are a complex species and getting married is a big deal! Just because part of you isn’t sure he’s the right one, doesn’t mean you need to break it off. There’s another part of you that obviously does. You got engaged. Reality-test your need for certainty. Might it simply be a defense mechanism created to comfort you in a time of panic?

Have a breathing exercise learned and ready for these moments, as discomfort commonly arises. Focus on the area of stress in your body, and continue to breathe through them. This third step holds a lot of weight. The more you can accept multiple feelings and expand your tolerance for them, the less internal pressure of denial needs to build.

4. Share your ambivalence.
Keep from isolating this piece of you. Find a trusted friend who’s walked down that aisle before. Most likely, they have experienced this same mixed bag of emotions. If you’re really struggling to find an appropriate ear, try seeking out a mental health professional that specializes in the engagement phase.

5. Practice steps 1-4 until Mr. Ambivalence becomes a dear friend.

Enjoy Yourself
The reality shows and bride magazines have one thing right. A ceremony is exciting. Everyone is there to celebrate your new union. Try to keep bringing yourself back to the present moment and enjoy the true meaning of your day. Ambivalence is within us all the time, whether we like it or not. Accepting our ambivalence instead of suppressing it, is our best bet for inner development as well as relational growth with our partners and other loved ones.

Jessica Levith currently sees adolescent girls and adult women in her private practice setting at SF Women’s Therapy. For more information or to set up an appointment, you can contact her at 510.883.3074 or jess@sfwomenstherapy.com.

© 2013 by Jessica Levith, MA. All rights reserved.

The post 5 Steps To Embrace Your Pre-Wedding Vow Ambivalence appeared first on San Francisco Women's Therapy.

She is hungry for your attention.

She has desperate, seeking eyes, outstretched grasping hands and a shrill whine and whimper that speak of her insatiable appetite.

Inside, she feels empty, lonely, ugly and unacceptable.

Her ache for connection is so strong that she is willing to compromise her integrity in exchange for your affection, validation and sex.

Though my needy monster’s hunger for attention is quite natural, her sole dependency on the attention of others to feel full, keeps her perpetually unsatisfied.

She mistakenly believes that looking outside of herself for connection will help her feel more beautiful and lovable. The truth is that what will really quell her neediness and feed her sense-of-worth is to feel more connected to herself.

The Proper Diet For Your Needy Monster
Here’s the grub . . . when needy monsters are fed a well-balanced diet, they miraculously transform from feeling empty, lonely, ugly and unacceptable into remarkably calm, cuddly, and attractive characters.

Here’s the key ingredient that is often missing from the needy monster’s diet:

The practice of turning one’s attention inward and spending quality time with oneself.

Initially, the needy monster may regard this act like a small child being forced to eat a hearty portion of Brussels sprouts. She may scowl in protest of it’s unfamiliar bitterness, a taste for which her palate has not yet developed.

Similarly, learning how to be alone with yourself in a nourishing way is a bit of an acquired taste. This practice of turning your attention inward takes some time to get comfortable with. But with a firm commitment to create a healthier way of living, its benefits become undeniable.

Like reaping the health benefits of eating regular servings of green leafy vegetables, finding fulfilling ways to spend time with yourself feeds the needy monster by reducing her dependency on others to feel whole, connected and lovable.

When the needy monster learns how to be her own resource for joy, validation and connection, her sense of fullness grows and her neediness others becomes less insatiable.

3-4 Servings: Quality Time Alone 

Your Green Leafy Vegetables

Examples:
- Journal
- Meditate
- Take a bath
- Get crafty
- Go for a walk
- Plant a garden
- Cook up something yummy
- Cuddle up with a novel
- Focus on a personal or professional project

2-3 Servings: Quality Time With Others
Your Protein and Carbs

Examples:
- Host a women’s circle or spa day
- Schedule a skype date with an old friend across the country
- Brunch with your besties
- Take a hike and pack a picnic lunch with your boyfriend
- Check out a MeetUp event
- Plan a clothing swap
- Go out and dance
- Volunteer at a local charity organization

Foods to Avoid: Excellent Ways to Avoid Being With Yourself
Your Junk Food

Examples:
- Compulsively checking your smart-phone for a dopamine hit of connection.
- Getting lost in a Facebook daze and other internet surfing.
- Feeding your feelings with sweets, alcohol or compulsive spending
- Late night trolling on OkCupid or Match.com in search of the ONE.
- Dating and hanging out with people you’re not really into just to have some company.
- Watching 3-4 consecutive episodes of Gossip Girl or Game of Thrones in one sitting.
- Overbooking your calendar to exterminate the possibility of feeling lonely.

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Are you afraid to sound mean or selfish if you speak up?

Do you ever say, “Everything is OK”, even when it’s not?

If you answered “yes”, to any of these questions, deep down, you may wish that you could speak your truth without fear of turning people off or pushing them away. Sometimes, you may even be confused about exactly what you want.

Imagine being able to identify your thoughts, feelings and desires and confidently express them without letting your anxiety run away with you.

Speaking your truth in each moment will bring you more of the satisfying connections that you long for with your partner, your friends, and your family members.

The key to achieving high quality intimacy is growing your ability to maintain your sense-of-self when you are emotionally and physically close to another.

This means that you have developed the courage to speak your truth without needing the person on the receiving end to accept or validate what you have shared. When you accept and validate your own thoughts, feelings and desires, you are free to stay in connection without having to forfeit your own experience for the needs and wants of another. David Schnarch, my favorite intimacy guru, (http://passionatemarriage.com) calls this, “self-validated intimacy”, the ability to hold on to your own truth as you show people who you really are.

On the other hand, when you are dependent on the approval of others to determine what is acceptable to share, you are practicing “other-validated intimacy”.

People who practice “other-validated intimacy” give up their sense of individuality in order to feel safe and connected.

We all want connection! And other-validated intimacy is one way to create it. But giving up our own needs and wants more often then not, will eventually lead to resentment, anxiety and depression, co-dependency, and dead-end relationships. Self-validators, on the other hand enjoy more freedom, aliveness, and intimacy because they know they don’t have to hide their individuality to stay together.

This reminds me of Sarah, who came to me paralyzed by her fear of having panic attacks in social environments. She was the daughter of divorced parents and raised by a single mother, who managed her sadness and anxiety with frequent and sometimes reckless bouts of alcohol. As a little girl, Sarah really needed a stable mother to look after her. So she made it her mission to keep Mom happy and sober. She learned that, “Mom will be okay, if I am okay” and decided that sharing difficult emotions, saying “no”, or doing anything that might upset Mom was just not worth it.

As an adult, she continued to rank the importance of her thoughts, feelings and desires behind those of others. Placing herself second was second-nature. In our sessions together, Sarah and I discovered that her panic attacks were an unconscious response to her ignoring her own needs. Her psyche was literally screaming for her truth to be known!

With my help, Sarah learned how to manage her anxiety by listening to her panic attacks because they were giving her valuable information. When she noticed her panic escalating, I instructed her to slow down, feel her feet on the ground, notice her breath and turn her attention inside. Then she could notice what was really going on and hear her hearts true desire. At first, the thought of asserting herself produced another rush of panic. She worried, “Will you be okay if I speak my truth?”

With time, Sarah could separate her experience as a little girl from the present moment enough to believe that putting herself first was worth the effort. She stopped needing to be a professional people-pleaser. Now she could navigate a world that used to feel unsafe. She no longer felt overwhelmed and drained at social engagements. She found the courage to stand up to a boss who made her feel under appreciated. She quit her office job and applied to grad school to study her real passion,  nutrition and holistic health. She married her long-time boyfriend. And she even began to relate to her mother in new ways, forging a path with her for less hair-pulling and more loving interactions.

When it’s all said and done, being a self-validator is not about shifting from, “what ever you want, dear” to “its-my-way-or-the-highway”. Ideally, you can confidently communicate your unique thoughts, feelings and desires (even if they are different from those around you!) and also express your true interest in connecting with them. Sometimes you can have both (and other times you can’t), but at least you will like and respect yourself for standing up for what you believe in.

Now I’d love to hear from you!

1. What is one area of your life where you’d like to challenge yourself to speak up more often?
2. How do you think this will improve your relationship to yourself and the people around you?

LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW!

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