Designing Your Village: How to Curate a Support System That Works

I'll be honest with you: when I first decided to become a Single Mother by Choice, I had a pretty idealized vision of what "building a village" meant. I imagined living communally with other solo parents. We would look after each other's children while we ran errands, share meals, and daily tasks.

What I discovered is that building a village is less about having a perfectly curated support system and more about learning how to reach out, show up, and let people in—even when it feels vulnerable.

The decision to become a Single Mother by Choice comes with its share of awkward moments. There are the well-meaning relatives who ask if you've "tried hard enough" to find a partner. The friends who go quiet when you share your plans.

The stranger at the coffee shop who says, "But don't you think a child needs a father?" That's why you need your trusted people to help you navigate these moments with grace and a good eye roll.

Here's what I know now: the Single Mother by Choice community is real, and it's full of remarkable women who get it.

Building a village for single mothers starts with small, brave steps—a message in an online group, a conversation at prenatal yoga, an honest text to a friend saying, "I need help." Community doesn't happen to you. You build it, one connection at a time. Here are some ideas about how to begin to find the people you'll want to call on.

Why Building a Village as a Single Mother by Choice Matters

The first time my son smiled at me—really smiled—I was eager to share how my heart just melted. And when he started teething, I was desperate to connect with another parent who got what it's like to be awake in the wee hours all alone with your inconsolable child. This journey is deeply personal, yes, but it was never meant to be walked entirely alone.

Let me tell you what no one tells you: the mental, physical and emotional load of solo parenting is real. You're the one preparing the meals, feeding your child and then doing all the dishes after you've put them to bed.

You're the one standing at the pharmacy deciding if you should purchase the gripe water or fill the antacid prescription from the pediatrician for their unbearable colicky episodes. There's often no one to tap in when you're touched out or need five minutes of silence.

If you want to know more about what a single mother is What is a Choice Mom?

A Single Mother by Choice support system isn't a luxury—it's a lifeline. It's the friend who brings you soup when you're sick. The fellow SMC mom who reassures you that yes, teething is this hard. The neighbor who grabs your mail when you're too exhausted to walk to the mailbox. These people help you stay grounded when everything feels like too much.

And when you inevitably encounter judgment—because you will—your village becomes the chorus of voices reminding you that your choice is valid, your family is whole, and you're doing an incredible job.

The Stages of Building a Village as a Single Mother by Choice

Building a village doesn't happen overnight, and it looks different at every stage. The support you need while you're deciding which donor to pick is completely different from what you need at 3 a.m. with a colicky newborn. Here are a few tips I've learned from each phase of parenting as a Single Mother by Choice.

Stage 1: Thinking, Trying, and Conceiving

Your journey is beginning. You're researching, questioning, maybe telling a few close people, maybe not. You're vacillating between excitement and terror, often in the same hour. At this stage, it can be supportive to connect with others who are considering and beginning to pursue the same path.

A good first step is to search for an online Single Mother by Choice Facebook Group, ideally in your region. You don't have to post right away—just listen.

When you're ready, introduce yourself. Ask your questions. Share ideas. Find out who is in your local area and invite them for a walk or tea.

It's okay if they don't initially strike you as someone you may otherwise be friends with. Take the initiative to slowly grow a connection with another solo parent nearby who is at a similar place in their journey. Getting together consistently plants the seeds for this person to become an essential player in your village.

If you are ready to go deeper, search for an in-person group. I found my first real connections in a bi-weekly support group for prospective solo parents.

It was led by a local midwife who created a safe space for us to share our experiences, find encouragement, and work through inner obstacles. Little did I know that the prospective parents I met in this group would literally become my trusted solo mom squad through the early years of my son's life.

Stage 2: Pregnancy, Birth, and Postpartum

If you have chosen to conceive through IUI or IVF, pregnancy will make your need for support suddenly very tangible. The people you will want close are those who will authentically celebrate the growing life inside of you and staunchly hold you through your initial waves of exhaustion, hormonal fluctuations, and morning sickness.

A great way to meet people at this stage is to regularly attend a prenatal yoga class in your area. You'll find other local parents who are at similar stages of pregnancy.

Again, notice who you feel drawn to. Reach out and exchange numbers. Invite a few to enjoy a meal together after class. There's so much to share about what it feels like in your growing body and your deliberations about your birth plan. It can be elating to chat with others who are experiencing the very same thing in real time.

One big difference, however, may be that those parents from your yoga class are married or partnered. When you are preparing for birth as a Single Mother by Choice, it can hit hard that you don't have an obvious person to have by your side when you attend your birth class.

This is where I absolutely could not have gotten through without my solo mom squad. We teamed up to hire the midwife who led our support group to teach a series of birth preparation and breastfeeding classes just for us! I was so relieved and honestly proud to be in the company of other solo parents rather than sweating it out in a class full of couples.

Once your child is born, or even before, I highly recommend joining a new parents group. Getting out of your house after the first few weeks of recovery and being in the company of other parents and newborns is actually a first line of defense for postpartum depression.

Stage 3: Early Childhood

As your child becomes a toddler, your village shifts again. You need less "bring me meals" support and more "let's meet at the playground so our kids can tire each other out" companionship.

Parks are great places to start up casual conversations about nap strikes and potty training. These chats can turn into text threads and future playdates.

And if you really feel resonance with the other parents and nannies you meet, and your kids play well together, consider starting a nanny share. This is a great way to build an intimate community of families who rely on each other for support by sharing childcare resources.

Music classes, library story times, swim lessons—are other great ways to meet parents at a similar stage. Hopefully, by now you've learned how to follow your instincts about who you vibe with and take the risk to reach out, exchange numbers, and follow up with, "Want to grab coffee next week?" Worst case, they say no. Best case, you find your next awesome mom BFF.

Building a Village Takes Time, and That's Okay

I wish I could tell you there's a formula, but building a village is organic and nonlinear. Some connections will surprise you. Others you expect to be close will drift away. That's all part of it.

What I can tell you is this: being a Single Mother by Choice is one of the most courageous decisions you'll ever make, and you don't have to do it alone.

Building a village as an SMC requires patience, vulnerability, and showing up even when you're tired. And yes, developing a Single Mother by Choice support system is essential—but so is being a good villager yourself. Share your story. Show up for someone else when you have the bandwidth. Let yourself be held.

If you're struggling with this part of the journey, working with a professional who also intimately understands the unique path of solo parenting can help. Sometimes you need someone to walk alongside you as you figure out what your village even looks like. If that sounds like what you need, I'd love to talk.

I offer a free consultation for those on the SMC path. Let's create a support system that actually works for your life. Remember, the village you build is the foundation your child grows on. And you? You deserve to be supported while you're building it.