Scrolling for Sperm? What Online Dating Taught Me About Finding My Sperm Donor
Online dating – you either love it or you hate it. And sometimes both, right? The potential rush of finding the right match mixed with the dread of pouring through profiles – unsure if the descriptions you read truly reflect the person they are meant to represent.
The stakes are high because your heart is on the line. You have a deep longing to find the one that feels just right.
If you are on the journey to become a Single Mother by Choice, there's a good chance you've spent time swiping on dating apps.
(If you've been spared, good for you.) And if you plan to grow your family through fertility options like IUI, IVF, or surrogacy, you may chuckle when you log on to the cryobank website and notice the uncanny resemblance between perusing online dating profiles and online sperm donor profiles.
I will confess, by the time I was ready to pursue solo parenthood, I had done my fair share of online dating, and with reasonable success! I had met quite a few of my former partners online.
Though none of those relationships transpired into co-parenthood, I was surprised by how my well-honed online dating skills were actually quite helpful when it came to searching for my sperm donor.
My time swiping for partners taught me that it's all about approaching with a healthy attitude, setting the right filters, and trusting my gut.
How To Search for Your Sperm Donor Online
First, when it comes to finding your sperm donor, there are important technical, medical, and practical considerations you'll need to learn to help you navigate your search. Since all of this information is available on your cryobank's website, I'll just give you a brief overview and highly recommend you take more time to explore these factors on your own.
Types of Donors: Cryobanks distinguish between different types of donors such as Open Donors, ID Disclosure Donors, and Anonymous Donors. This may be the first filter you select for, or it may be a secondary consideration in your search.
Medical Factors: Genetic compatibility, CMV status (Cytomegalovirus, a common herpes virus), and multi-generational family medical history are also important elements that you will want to thoroughly screen for as you review donor profiles.
Practical Factors: Each profile will define how many vials of sperm are available and whether the sperm is "washed," which is preferred for IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), or "unwashed," which is preferred for ICI (Intracervical Insemination). It may also report the success records of reported pregnancies. Talk to your doctor or midwife about what they recommend based on your plans for conception.
Find a Healthy Mindset
Emotional readiness is an important first step in approaching donor conception as a Single Mother by Choice.
Much like online dating, you may begin your donor selection process with excitement and curiosity, eager to pour through profiles to find the donor that feels like the best match. Or you may have a slew of mixed feelings if this is not the route you imagined you'd take to grow your family.
In my years of experience with online dating, I learned that I was more likely to magnetize a suitable match when I truly felt an inner sense of wholeness and relative buoyancy in my life.
When I found myself swiping late at night, unconsciously moved to numb out feelings of emptiness, or still harboring hurt and resentment towards my ex, things did not turn out so well.
Similarly, it's important to begin your search with a positive and clear mindset. I believe that our mindset is like a lens or filter that colors our experience. And our emotions often inform our mindset.
When we can slow down, tune in, and get in touch with our full range of emotions and let them move through us rather than ignore them or push them away—even when they're extremely uncomfortable—our mind and body function more optimally. And we see and respond to what's before us with more wisdom and clarity.
If you find that there's something getting in the way of beginning your search on a positive foot, check in to see if there may be feelings like sadness, disappointment, anger, and resentment that are living under the surface.
It can be helpful to get support from a therapist or coach, especially one who is familiar with the solo parenthood path like me, to identify and work through these underlying emotions.
Unprocessed grief can rear its head in a variety of tricky ways that will negatively impact your relationship with yourself and others, especially your future child.
When you can begin the search for your sperm donor with a clear mind and an open heart, you will set yourself up for the next step with success.
Read more about how I support my SMC clients to process grief in my blog, The Importance of Grief Work for Emotional Readiness on the Solo Parenthood Path.
Decide Which Filters Are Most Important to You
Choosing a sperm donor can feel a bit surreal. It can take a minute to get comfortable learning intimate details about the man who has banked his genetic material to help you make your baby and who you may never actually meet in person.
As with online dating, the factors you prioritize when picking your match are very personal. My perspective is that there's no "one right way" to focus your search. It's really about listening carefully to find your own set of values.
Some different filters you may select for are ethnic background or physical features like height, hair, and eye color. Are you drawn to donors who have features that are similar to your own? Or are you drawn to features that you are typically attracted to in a romantic partner?
Another approach is to select for personality traits, temperament, and character. Did you know that studies suggest that personality traits like introversion and extroversion, openness to new experiences, agreeableness, and conscientiousness are heavily influenced by genetics? Notice what qualities jump out at you as you review donor profiles.
One client of mine was emphatic that the quality that mattered most to her was how he answered the question, "Why do you want to be a sperm donor?" For her, finding a donor who expressed a genuine and heartfelt intention to help create a beautiful life was her primary guiding value.
Follow Your Gut (and Your Attraction)
Once you've tuned in to what filters will guide your search, narrow your selection down to 3-5 choices. It can be helpful to print each profile so you can unplug from the screen and the obsessive scrolling.
Lay them out in a special place in your home. Give yourself some time to breathe and listen. What do you notice when you take a step back?
Much like the quest for romance, sometimes it's not the guy who checks all the boxes but the one who sparks something inside of you that you just can't deny.
Notice what comes up as you sit with each profile. Do you sense a quality of aliveness or attraction? Or does something about it turn you off? Maybe nothing stands out at all.
I remember sitting at my desk with my final four sperm donor profiles laid out before me. They were all suitable choices, but one clearly stood out.
I was attracted to his extroverted, gregarious nature and his creative spirit. His baby photo captivated me. And I imagined my baby looking like him. I literally heard a voice inside of me say, "Yes, that's the one."
Now as I sit here writing these words, having just put my now 7-year-old son to sleep, I can still feel the rightness of my choice.
Trust the Journey
The truth is, there's no perfect donor just like there's no perfect partner. What matters is finding the choice that feels right for you—one that honors both your practical needs and that ineffable sense of knowing.
So take your time, do your research, feel your feelings, and when you find the profile that makes something in you light up, trust it.
If you’d like support picking a donor that feels right for you, contact me today to schedule a free consultation.
