What Nobody Tells You About Being a Single Mother by Choice (From Someone Who's Lived It)

I can't tell you how many times I've been gabbing with a friend at school pick-up about "mom life" when I hear, "I hate to say it, but my husband is just not that helpful!"

Or another common lament from women who are mired in marital strife: "Honestly, I wish I'd done it the way you did, Sige."

In these moments I secretly smile to myself and think, "Ha! Who would have thought these women are jealous of me?!"

Yeah, there's something to it — the Single Mother by Choice path.

Increasingly, married people are disillusioned about the complexities of trying to stay in love (or even like) with the same person they cohabitate and co-parent with. There's no doubt that there's a simplicity to raising a child on your own.

But let's go a layer beneath the school pick-up mom gab and really dig into the deeper truths about what it means to intentionally choose to be a solo parent. What are the real upsides and downsides of Choice Motherhood? Here's what I've learned about the territory nobody maps for you — the honest truth I've gleaned from nine years of raising my son.

You will feel jealous of two-parent families.
And you'll see that co-parenting comes with its own hefty share of struggles.

There will be moments when envy punches you in the gut. For me it's those Sunday mornings at the farmers market when I catch a glimpse of that seemingly "perfect" family — handsome dad with the kid on his shoulders, mom relaxed and beaming her smile at both of them. You'll have moments of wishing it was you in that picture. Your heart will hurt.

Don't rush past this feeling. It's real, and it deserves acknowledgment. If you have ever experienced grief about not having a partner alongside you, that feeling doesn't necessarily ever completely go away. Even if you feel 100% solid about your decision, you will contend with jealous pangs throughout your parenting journey — and hopefully, you'll learn how to work with them. Check out my blog, "The Importance of Grief Work for Emotional Readiness on the SMC Path."

And then — usually not long after — the other side of the duality shows up.

You'll hear all about the resentments your married friends have toward their partners — forgetting to put sunscreen on the kiddo, resulting in a nasty burn after a day at the beach; wishing their partner would, for once, be the one to make sure lunch gets packed and the laundry gets put away. The mental load and responsibility don't necessarily get split in half when there's another adult in the picture — sometimes it just creates more mess to manage.

You'll also hear about the far more excruciating co-parenting situations: the long, drawn-out custody battles now in the hands of a family court judge, and the divorcées who can only functionally communicate with their exes via a hired parenting coordinator. Co-parenting with someone you love is a genuine gift. Co-parenting with someone you're no longer in alignment with is one of the hardest human experiences available. When you hear these stories, you will feel compassion for your friends — and relief that you've been spared this particular flavor of hard.

Sometimes the grass looks greener, and honestly, sometimes it doesn't at all. There are hard moments when I feel victimized by my choices. There are good moments when I'm relieved and grateful that I made the choices I did. For me, this is the essence of the Single Mother by Choice path. No one way is perfect. Every path has real blessings and real challenges.

Let's explore other ways that continue to be true.

You will feel lonely.
And you will also delight in your autonomy and freedom.

Sometimes you will wish there were another adult companion with you at the helm. I find this especially true on road trips and vacations, when I long for grown-up dinner conversation and someone to rub my shoulders after the long journey, when the kiddo finally passes out. There's a moment that gets me every time: watching my son do something wonderful — making it down the ski mountain without falling, ordering his own meal for the first time in his careful, serious way — and turning instinctively to share it with someone who isn't there. A family of two can feel like an odd number in those moments. You ache for a witness.

When loneliness visits, it's okay to acknowledge that sometimes you ache for something — or someone — that feels missing.

And then notice what else is true.

You get to pick your preferred destination — the cozy cabin with the wood-burning stove. You get to set the pace of when and where to stop for dinner along the way, which snacks to pack, and which playlist will set the right tone. You follow your tastes, your preferred budget, and your parenting values — and you make those calls cleanly, without negotiation, without compromise, without the low-grade friction that comes from trying to sync two different people's visions of how a trip or a life should run. There is a spaciousness to that which, once you've tasted it, is genuinely hard to give up. That's actually one of the real gifts of the SMC path. You get to build a life that fits you — not a life you've been retrofitting to accommodate someone else's preferences.

I have talked to women who, after years of difficult partnerships, describe their solo parenting life as the first time they've felt truly like themselves. That's not nothing.

The loneliness and the liberation are not opposites. They live in the same house. Learning to hold both without letting one cancel out the other is some of the most important emotional work this path will ask of you.

You will feel utterly exhausted.
And you'll see that's true for most parents.

At some point in the early years of solo parenting, you will hit a wall of tiredness so complete that it feels almost geological. On many days, you are the one your child will depend on from the moment they wake to the moment their eyes finally close.

That is genuinely, objectively a lot.

And then you'll have a conversation with a partnered friend — someone with a solid co-parent, good intentions, a genuinely involved spouse — and they will describe a level of exhaustion that sounds almost identical to yours. Because parenting small humans is relentless regardless of how many adults are in the house. The terrain is hard for everyone. That's not meant to minimize your load. It's meant to release you from the story that your exhaustion is a symptom of doing it wrong or not being enough.

What's different for you isn't necessarily the volume of the tired. It's the absence of relief. There's no tagging in, no "your turn," no sleeping in while someone else handles the morning. That part is real, and it's worth naming honestly rather than glossing over.

But here is what I've watched happen in myself and in my coaching clients over and over again: necessity is a remarkable teacher of self-compassion. When you are the only one, you learn — faster than almost any other path would teach you — how to prioritize, how to let go, how to ask for help, and how to be a decent partner to yourself on the hard nights. The dishes can wait. The permission to rest is something you learn to give yourself, because no one else is going to give it to you. That is not a small thing. That is a life skill that will serve you for decades — and it's one I explore more deeply in The Single Greatest Skill You'll Need to Survive as a Single Mother by Choice.

You will feel judged.
And this will fuel your inner fire.

"You can't have a child on your own! A child needs a father!" Don't be surprised if you hear some version of this at least once when you step onto the SMC path. It will probably come from a man at a moment when you least expect it. It will stir up big feelings — shock, fury, and also doubt.

For me, that WTF moment illuminated the reality that for some people, the idea of a woman choosing to have a child on her own threatens their values and deeply held beliefs about what is fundamentally right and wrong. It may also touch their own early wounds around their relationships with their mothers and fathers. This is not your story to take on.

Your existence as a Single Mother by Choice holds up a mirror to the story they've accepted without question — that partnership and parenthood come as a package deal, that a family without two parents is incomplete, that a woman who chooses otherwise must have settled, given up, or made the best of a bad situation.

People's judgment is almost never actually about you. And their criticism is not a verdict. It's an invitation to know yourself more fully — and to stand in your choice with the kind of conviction that doesn't need anyone else's approval. Instead of collapsing in the face of their judgments and assumptions, you may find that they make you stronger. Let them deepen your clarity about why you chose this. Let them sharpen your discernment about who you will keep in your inner circle.

You will struggle.
And what you endure will grow your humility, self-respect, and resilience.

This is the one I want to leave you with, because I think it's the deepest truth of all.

You will struggle. The struggle is baked into the equation — not because you did something wrong or chose unwisely, but because you signed up for something seriously demanding. Stepping onto this path is an act of profound courage. Parenting as a Single Mother by Choice will break you down and grow you up in beautiful and profound ways. As Leonard Cohen so famously sings, "There is a crack... That's how the light gets in."

There will be moments when you hit bottom — out of crippling exhaustion, out of desperation for another set of hands on deck, out of wanting to throw your inconsolable baby out the window at 4 a.m. I've been there. I know these moments will probably scare you too. And they will grow you into a much more grounded, resilient, and fully realized human than ease ever could have made you.

The struggle has seasoned me into a better version of myself — and what I mean by "better" is that I no longer need to be "the best." Before I was a solo parent, I held a high bar for myself and everyone around me. I insisted on perfection. I was often impatient and, honestly, pretty judgmental. Solo parenthood cured me of most of that. When you are the one keeping all the balls in the air, you are going to drop some of them. Sometimes your best will be downright mediocre. You will have to ask for help without being able to return the favor. People will see you in your most imperfect moments. This is profoundly humbling — and I am now profoundly grateful for it.

Moving through these hard circumstances has initiated me into a more mature, compassionate version of myself. My light shines brighter now that I accept the wholeness of who I am — not just the woman who looks like she has her sh*t together, but also the tender, cracked-open mother who can hold the rock-bottom moments for herself and for others with love and grace.

The Bottom Line

Nine years in, I can tell you this honestly: I am a better mother, a better therapist and coach, a better friend, and a more fully realized human being. Not because solo parenting is the right path for every woman — but because it was the right path for me. And the fact that I chose it, knowingly and without apology, changed everything.

The jealousy, the loneliness, the exhaustion, the judgment, the struggle — none of it disqualifies you, and none of it defines you. What defines you is the choice itself: the deliberate, eyes-open, whole-hearted decision to build a family on your own terms and become, in the process, someone you genuinely respect.

This path is not a backup plan. It is not a lesser version of a real family. It is not something to apologize for or explain away. It is one of the most intentional, countercultural things a woman can choose — and the women who walk it carry something in their bones that is hard to fake and impossible to take away.

Ready to go deeper into your own story?

Whether you're weighing this path for the first time, already in the thick of it, or somewhere in the tender middle — I offer individual and group coaching specifically designed for women on the Single Mother by Choice journey. We'll look honestly at where you are, work through what's holding you back, and build the clarity and support you need to move forward with confidence.

Schedule a free consultation today. Let's talk about what this path really looks like for you.